heartsong

it’s sweet when two persons like each other
but when it’s love, certainly it’s magical
to dive into the deepest sea
from the loftiest mountain
to be undivided while separate
to know and yet not know!
to discover melody for words
from the obscurest corners
to accept the light with darkness
and still unhesitatingly say yes?
undoubtedly, what a miracle
to love and be loved in return

toxic tendencies

I am still hurt, hurt by you
In drunkenness, I stumble
for the light, for the pillow,
for slumber, for my lover
All the wine in the world
Couldn't numb the pain
All the honey-filled words
Won't bring wholeness back again
You tend to my hangovers
With mild disappointment
But if I knew better, baby,
I wouldn't be so hurt, so hurt by you

late night musings to my lover

I risk in my staying, and in my going. I risk in choosing to love, and in choosing to be sensible. I risk in unveiling my deepest desires, and in my pretending that I do not have any. Which risk is better to take, and which will hurt less? Why do I feel safe in your arms yet you disarm me, love, you alarm me? 

I am filled with love, when I choose to give to you. I am filled with joy, when I choose to share with you. You may or you may not, and regardless of your choices, I am still brimmed when my choices come from the best part of me, from the heart of me. 

I cannot deny that you occupy me, but do not ask me how, do not ask me why. 

It is not a game of manipulation nor one of power, for neither of us gains when there is a loss. 

Your giving has a magical hold on me, but it will not keep me, it will not keep me for long. I stand with one foot out the door, baby, out that door. Every time it gets too real, I am ready to bolt, but you pull me in, you pull me near. The strings between us come undone, and I toss every layer of protection with every step I take closer to you, away from the door. Why do you get close when I have so much to lose? Why? Still, I choose love, I desire you.  

All that I adore in you is merely a mirror for me to see more of myself. And all that leaves you in awe is just you, darling, it is your own boon, it is true. I save your (my) smiles in pockets, in deep places. I keep them for rainy days, for all my rainy days. 

If you’re whole, how do I complete you? If I’m whole, why do I need you? Will you confess what you feel, desire, need, or choose? Will you keep me or watch my undoing? In my state of disarray, I ask you to lead me. Will you ask me to stay? 

And sometimes, I sit outside the door on the cold steps, often looking over my shoulder for your thereness in my hereness. The more distance I feel between us, the heavier my heart feels, the more my throat aches from swallowing back tears. I wait so I can gather enough strength to go on without you, just in case, baby, just in case. 

I recharge in my stillness, in my quietness. You read the silence differently, but what can I say when words start to lose meaning? What can I do when this starts to lose essence? 

They say what foolishness there is in waiting because it should be easier than this. And I wonder, would I not be a fool to walk away from the best, the best part of me? They say what pain there is in giving so much, but I wonder, would I not be lonely to close myself off, to separate? It would be interesting to see where this narrow path takes us, I think as I walk back to your door. I knock ever so softly, surely rousing you from your sleep. 

Wake up, darling. Won’t you open your heart to my love?

masked blessings

it's five past six, I don't bother with the blinds
the daylight would create a pretense of life
yet all that remains is a keen heart
if I could just lay here to focus on the residual darkness
I won't see you in abstractions
but bold as I am, I open my eyes slowly
to make spaces for what you left me with
I form a faint smile as my heart palpitates
I find you everywhere
in every line, curve, and corner
a shadow that lingers
an illusion that slices through silence
solitude was my saving grace from reality
and now you taunt me there, too
it's like your fingers still graze against my skin
your chest pounds in my ears
your kisses tickle the palms of my hands
and your words stain
God, do they stain me
I taste you in the tears I swallow in weakness
burdened by the temperamental echoes
in my empty embrace, in my hold
my parted lips, my exposed neck
before my glistening eyes
in the flow of sprawling tresses
in the spoken tones, in the cadenced tunes
in soft hymns, hums and hues
in paintings, in lathers
in dancing, in battles
in the way I call out to you
demands unmet, promises unkept
regrets puncture holes in my loving
defying logic, night after night
only to wake up in a cloak of crimson
it's only a quarter past six, why draw the curtains
while emotions skid recklessly within
you'd know about that, wouldn't you?
your failure to speak when I wanted it most
what lasting inflictions you pierced me with
I carry it in my back, my fragmented heart
the soles of my feet, my trembling knees
the things you said wash over me like rain
some days like a warm cleanse
and other days like a noxious drowning
confused by our redundancy
your ignorance, my pardoning
your acquisitions, my offerings
by the language of my screaming
and the resonance of your departure
dust collected on the prayer mat
as I traveled disparate roads in search of intercessors
to decipher what left me streaked
your grave nuance of apathy
in your safeguarding, you sinned,
oh transgressor
provoking such resentment
crippling my senses
spurring the wrath of God upon me
I hide in bed, dissociating from illuminations
embracing my world protectively
slowing down the unraveling of myself
now it's half past six, past the shock
an inner descent that leads to revelation
I find you in my sighs, my breathlessness
tarrying in the gists and gaps
the quintessence of inamorato
as I stretch and pull myself up
I experience you in lapses and layers
in the fragile love you left behind
that flickers in the blackness
I let the beauty of day engulf my room
and the grievances fall away one by one
as I'm consumed by the gifts you left me with
the awakening of passions, the outflow of emotions
an atmosphere covered by your coloring
bandaging the wounds
I know that healing will come
in quakes and quivers
with patience and penitence
past your remorse and my sorrow
I know this deep down inside
with the wholeness you brought to me
in the prayers we shared
and in the peace you left me with

unlocked

I intended to stay within the fortress
that took me a long time to mold
Planned all the ways I'd spend my days,
leaving the gates of my estate closed
Curiosity pulled me to wandering down
paths that weren't free from danger
and I promised I'd slow down
so I didn't get caught up in tangles
Beams radiated from your direction
and I learned of your ways
Thought God was being generous
when you smiled for my sake
You offered your strong hands
and I got as close as I could
Lined up our fingers by degrees
Felt like the start of something good
I let go but thread by thread
for I still meandered back to home
and then I'd go seeking your shine
it felt much better than being alone
The foundation seemed sturdy enough
I ingenuously gave shape to wishes
Wanted to fight through misfortune
and free myself to be your missus
I gathered other visions of aspirations
like being mother to your children
and it took me some time to realize
what I was doing to myself again
The weather is dark and dreary lately
I rush to get back behind walls
and I struggle with these feelings
as regrets echo through the halls
I am indignant I got ahead of myself
Had unlocked all those gates
Your presence lingers every corner
How could I have entrusted the fates?
I feel cold laying here without security
My hopes take up too much space
I keep thinking I could give it another try
Every time I call to mind your face
I still can't believe where I've been
And now I don't know where to go
It's strange battling truth and dares
Swinging to and fro, between yes and no

ally

I look for you in everyone I meet
and when I don't find you, I feel
an aura of grief.
There isn't a single sense
I can make of my emotions.
They go on mingling,
and I anticipate a protest.
It's discomforting —
I don't know what they are advocating for!
Surely they have rights
that I haven't been fulfilling
so they fight me,
and I'm powerless to begin with.
Now where do I go?
Who will be my ally
when my own heart is revolting against me?
What casualties will result
from this war?
I carry great sacrifices,
sadly realizing the punishment for my offenses
was when I lost you.

my friend

I avoid the roads where Resentment and Anger reside,
but Anxiety follows me like a stubborn shadow. And Fear
likes to talk over me so I just dissociate from the moment.
I lean over to Sadness, feel its comforting arms wrap around
me, keeping me secure from all the Others. It feels so warm
being there that I don't even want to leave. I see Happiness
in the distance, calling to me, trying to sell me sweetness,
but I am paralyzed. How can I leave this Friend that has
been the only one to have never betrayed my trust? Were
I to let go, what would I really be letting go of? And what
could I possibly have to gain?

heart of the soul

My soul seems to have a heart of its own, has found the one, the one whom it loves. You are my happy, albeit an illusion of security. Oh it would be rather precarious to lament. I realize to tread carefully, not to run down that pleasantly adorned path, for deep down, I may not be able to bear a loss. Overwhelmed with tenderness and affection, I want to know where to take it, where to keep it. I cherish it sincerely. It overflows from within, shamelessly tainting all my senses — my sight, my hearing, my inhaling and exhaling, my consumption, my stroking, my waking and my sleeping. Here breathes the kind of love even Ghalib would praise! Meet me where lovers end up meeting. Take me where dreamers end up going. When I see you, I find new seeds scattered, growing majestic desires of how this love story should go. And I wonder, I just wonder. You can certainly find joy with someone else, but how displeasing would that be to my heart due to the simple heaviness of the crime. At the end of the day, I'd still plead under my breath for you to pick me. Be mine, I then pray to my ever-generous Lord. Multiply the bliss between us, fulfilling a hopeless romantic's reverie. It's true that we're deeply terrified of all that could go wrong, but I, no I am filled with the light of the sun — my soul has found the one it loves.

fighter

I succumb to a raging hunger, clawing my way through rocky territories, inflamed by your skin. You are torn between your own fire and a rising tempest, scrupling what to risk and who to save. I avoid the questions in your eyes, the hesitancy in your coming, but I really can't leave without getting what I came for. You say that I wear a mask, layered with bloody regrets. I sigh defensively as my autumn skin lays exposed for you to seize. Why don't you find refuge here, I demand defiantly. In a solemnly hushed tone, you state, "Your heart is buried somewhere amidst all the loss, and I cannot find any road to travel." But your whispers, my love, are louder than your desolation. Perhaps in your passage from my tongue to navel, you'll find your way. I promise the wild beating of the drums of my core will swallow all the storms. There's a pregnant pause, as your dark gaze overpowers me. "I'm not here to plunder the ruins, for it'll destroy us both." I turn away, frightened by the upheaval. A revolution was in order, but I didn't know where to go anymore. The seconds passed in anxiousness, consumed by the darkness. It wasn't until the sun rose in the distance that I realized you had never left me.
There was nowhere else to go.
Your patience was our stronghold.

namely you

the peculiarity of our first meeting, a period before you made yourself comfortable in my narrative, i envy myself for what i didn't know then, for possessing the courage of flouncing to a stranger, a singular face, just another soul, another profile in the midst of a crowd, while guilelessly carrying a rabid curiosity, piqued by speculations of what made you who you were, but now there's the merciless question of whether you intend to stay, precipitating obscure hesitations, torn between gravitating towards you and running away, fumbling for direction, stumbling for an anchor, feeling simply mad at our interplay, which is so precious to me but (i think) ordinary to you, and i continue to ponder, from where did this longing come, confused in regards to which way is home, when your eyes vow assurance of trust, hope, and care, descending to depths i don't comprehend, leaving me quieter, at a loss for finer words that fit in between us, and i don't even have to ask about these nuances, (i know) you know, you absolutely know, grounding me in simplistic lessons i've otherwise missed, tip-toeing to flares within the darkness, discovering freedom within confinements, embracing peace within restlessness, two shadows mingling, you leave a mark so violent, i worry, i naturally worry because to be honest, i have yet to say your name, now that (i believe) you hold enough meaning, you turn to me no matter what i call out, and you even answer to my speechlessness.

lies

starts out subtle and slow, similar to a leak in the distance, non-existent until one's growing awareness of its existence. isn't it rather futile to be cross over ignorance that is harmless, however exasperating it may be? your inquiries leave me with few choices but little room for doubts of their validities. I am cognizant of this banter, dear, though certainly you'll catch on soon enough.  shame colors my skin, and I pray you confuse the glow with another feeling, another meaning. you get too close, causing an agglomeration of my thoughts and an escalation of my deceptiveness, thus mortified by the concerns, terrified at inconsistencies, drained and distressed. well, how am I feeling, you wonder aloud, and I smirk, weighing the benefits of varied reactions, secretly satisfied by the exploits that swing back and forth between what we call a conversation. I presume that you assume there are depths to my replies. it pleases me that you smugly offer me a taste of my own medicine. I consent, for what else could I do, I love you so, and I swear that I am fine—bless you for asking though! you hold on anyway, for good reason because, over time, even the smallest of leaks can cause the most damage, but you're not here to fix me. you hold me over this tightrope, the best you can, offering your trust, thoughtlessly forgiving my blunders, patiently tolerating my rifts. someday, the walls will fall, and my lies won't keep me grounded like they do now. you will see through me like I see through you, and you will learn that your truths are just as ambiguous as mine. 

market

That path’s downtrodden
with souls fluttering here and there
And one skips in partial ignorance
Bearing trust of love's arrival
Oh, she’s been here before
She revels in the familiar sights
and finds comfort in the traffic
But nothing makes her gladder
than colliding into him
clasping onto his pleasant pleasantries
the present of presence
privy to his pensiveness
She stays in place except
in her mind she flows around him
She dances gracefully when he recites
She sighs abundantly when he smiles
She wants him to dwell in her heart
lowering the price with each encounter
disheartened by the missing demand
for he wanders, like her,
down the same roads
with serenity as his abode

crumbles

Your words fall around me
and I
catch them before they crumble
Unbeknownst to you—or any other—
they sink to the bottom of my soul
I use them to tinge humdrumness
inducing spells of sacred diversions
But later
they sink me, influenced and influencing,
undid and undoing me
even when you're quiescent
So you fill me
and I
nervously prattle in your presence
as well as absence,
failing to extinguish
the bleeding of our colors
Touched and touching
everywhere
Cursed and cursing
mishaps
I get lost in your pauses
and find myself there, too.

mute

I write and erase and write and erase and write
Syllables, incoherent with afflictions, float around mid-air
I intend to reach out, and I'm left with this gaping silence, distance(?)
That overwhelms, has me taking deep breaths
But where's the ease?
If only I could paint for you, with light finger strokes
And listen to your heartbeat's intensity
If only I could take my fill for now and then later
If only
If only I could strum a melody for two
For me and you
Trace my lips in sensitive places
Leave my signature
And a note, too
…
But what foolishness!
My heavy sighs lament such thoughtlessness
At the emptiness of knocking on locked doors,
Of peering in private windows
Like a grief-stricken soul
Tired, I lean against the walls
Surrounding my own bruised heart
Composing unsent notes
And swallowing in sentiments
Of exaggerated hopefulness

May 22, 2013

faasle (distances)

in kachhi lakeeron ko kaafi itraaz hai
intezaar mein jo bikhar gaye
kusoor kya tha waqt ka jo ke guzarta raha
phir bhi haath milaa na sake
ajeeb hai jahaan ke iraade aur shauq
kasmein bina nibhaye chale
bezubaan sa dil parde mein chup ke
lage bejaan andheron se gale

where do you take me?

On a misty evening, I tip-toe barefoot down the pebbled pathway as drops fall sparingly. I love the coolness of the smooth rocks against the curves of my feet. I love how the sky forms a protective blanket of clouds over me, reflective of my mood. I hurry, wanting to get away from the echoes of your desertion. In the closeness of the earth, I find sounds that swallow the residues of your absence. It’s true, isn’t it? You barred your heart and lost the keys, lover. I was kind enough to want to change the locks altogether, but you swore like I’d be trespassing. I pause to lean against a tall bark, entranced by my breaths. It’s cold, but I’m burning inside. And I burn every other place you have touched me. Carrying you feels heavy but where could I leave you otherwise? Besides you, what else stands between us? It’s you. It’s you. Tell me how is it that I feel imprisoned outside of your heart? With my hands outstretched, short of breath, I beg the universe with my eyes. I have traveled for long periods, searching for alternatives to the truth. I thought I could still find some way to be closer to you. The rain picks up, cleansing my tears. I hope it also washes away this loneliness. I withdraw my arms and gather myself in a hug, chilled by my fruitless thoughts and not the weather. I remember vividly. I play each conversation in my head. Sinking in the deep waters of shame, I re-live every moment of our lovemaking, of how close I let you get to me. I fall to my knees, reflecting on the way I had dropped all the curtains from the windows of my heart. You had peered, talking so passionately about vulnerability. Talking like it was an urgent matter and you needed to get inside.. I left the door open. I left it open. And you entered me, taking my breath away. I remember the trail your soft kisses left. No one’s followed since. I remember the imprint of your hands on my skin. I cover the damage with these clothing. I love the softness of the grass against my calves. I remember your caresses there. I love the drops trickling down my back. I remember the feeling of your body against mine.. I remember I remember I remember. Where else could I take you? I love you, and I remember the whispers you left in my ear. I remember. And you, where do you take me?

fancy

I lost myself
in the longing
heedless of the wait
resting in the doorway
my parched tongue
in stubborn prayer
verse following verse
fancying
your path
to once again cross mine

an ode

here's an ode
to the spaces between us
it fascinates me
your words
they carry me through darkness
like a lamp dimly lit
but how does it burn for so long?
(maybe we should let the world know
that words* aren't the only fuel)
your silences*, they too supply power
i took both, as well as your glances
creating threads of harmony
sewing together an embrace
that i wrap myself in shamelessly
here's an ode
to the mysteries of our hearts
and what was never said
of my truth and your crime
but don't mind me
i have no complaints of you
i despair of your coming someday
to fill up all my senses
madness!
i've drank all i could tonight
from the memories of your lingering touches
the flame still ablaze
deliriously
i stumble down those pathways
using your light
whispering
(kiss me)
(kiss me)
(love)
(kiss me)
here's an ode
an ode
an ode
to that kiss.

flow

a flow of words
traveling across the page
look at this poetry
how it bleeds into the spirit

my fault

It gratifies you when things go your way
As you find yourself molding me
Into a pleasure you can enjoy
But when I digress
You wander away,
Using your lack of love as your compass
Because why would you stay
When you didn't promise me a thing
You take, when you believe I'm on the same page
You give what I'm not seeking
My sordid affection comes from darkness
That you find appealing
Intoxicating
Is it my fault that I'm broken
Is it my fault that you're weak
The correlation between the two is so fine
It melts the boundaries
I swim in deeper darkness
When you unapologetically confuse
Your mistakes
With my intentions
It is my fault
It is my fault
I let my guard down
And you mistook me for a fool
I mistook you for a lover