heartsong

it’s sweet when two persons like each other
but when it’s love, certainly it’s magical
to dive into the deepest sea
from the loftiest mountain
to be undivided while separate
to know and yet not know!
to discover melody for words
from the obscurest corners
to accept the light with darkness
and still unhesitatingly say yes?
undoubtedly, what a miracle
to love and be loved in return

toxic tendencies

I am still hurt, hurt by you
In drunkenness, I stumble
for the light, for the pillow,
for slumber, for my lover
All the wine in the world
Couldn't numb the pain
All the honey-filled words
Won't bring wholeness back again
You tend to my hangovers
With mild disappointment
But if I knew better, baby,
I wouldn't be so hurt, so hurt by you

late night musings to my lover

I risk in my staying, and in my going. I risk in choosing to love, and in choosing to be sensible. I risk in unveiling my deepest desires, and in my pretending that I do not have any. Which risk is better to take, and which will hurt less? Why do I feel safe in your arms yet you disarm me, love, you alarm me? 

I am filled with love, when I choose to give to you. I am filled with joy, when I choose to share with you. You may or you may not, and regardless of your choices, I am still brimmed when my choices come from the best part of me, from the heart of me. 

I cannot deny that you occupy me, but do not ask me how, do not ask me why. 

It is not a game of manipulation nor one of power, for neither of us gains when there is a loss. 

Your giving has a magical hold on me, but it will not keep me, it will not keep me for long. I stand with one foot out the door, baby, out that door. Every time it gets too real, I am ready to bolt, but you pull me in, you pull me near. The strings between us come undone, and I toss every layer of protection with every step I take closer to you, away from the door. Why do you get close when I have so much to lose? Why? Still, I choose love, I desire you.  

All that I adore in you is merely a mirror for me to see more of myself. And all that leaves you in awe is just you, darling, it is your own boon, it is true. I save your (my) smiles in pockets, in deep places. I keep them for rainy days, for all my rainy days. 

If you’re whole, how do I complete you? If I’m whole, why do I need you? Will you confess what you feel, desire, need, or choose? Will you keep me or watch my undoing? In my state of disarray, I ask you to lead me. Will you ask me to stay? 

And sometimes, I sit outside the door on the cold steps, often looking over my shoulder for your thereness in my hereness. The more distance I feel between us, the heavier my heart feels, the more my throat aches from swallowing back tears. I wait so I can gather enough strength to go on without you, just in case, baby, just in case. 

I recharge in my stillness, in my quietness. You read the silence differently, but what can I say when words start to lose meaning? What can I do when this starts to lose essence? 

They say what foolishness there is in waiting because it should be easier than this. And I wonder, would I not be a fool to walk away from the best, the best part of me? They say what pain there is in giving so much, but I wonder, would I not be lonely to close myself off, to separate? It would be interesting to see where this narrow path takes us, I think as I walk back to your door. I knock ever so softly, surely rousing you from your sleep. 

Wake up, darling. Won’t you open your heart to my love?

masked blessings

it's five past six, I don't bother with the blinds
the daylight would create a pretense of life
yet all that remains is a keen heart
if I could just lay here to focus on the residual darkness
I won't see you in abstractions
but bold as I am, I open my eyes slowly
to make spaces for what you left me with
I form a faint smile as my heart palpitates
I find you everywhere
in every line, curve, and corner
a shadow that lingers
an illusion that slices through silence
solitude was my saving grace from reality
and now you taunt me there, too
it's like your fingers still graze against my skin
your chest pounds in my ears
your kisses tickle the palms of my hands
and your words stain
God, do they stain me
I taste you in the tears I swallow in weakness
burdened by the temperamental echoes
in my empty embrace, in my hold
my parted lips, my exposed neck
before my glistening eyes
in the flow of sprawling tresses
in the spoken tones, in the cadenced tunes
in soft hymns, hums and hues
in paintings, in lathers
in dancing, in battles
in the way I call out to you
demands unmet, promises unkept
regrets puncture holes in my loving
defying logic, night after night
only to wake up in a cloak of crimson
it's only a quarter past six, why draw the curtains
while emotions skid recklessly within
you'd know about that, wouldn't you?
your failure to speak when I wanted it most
what lasting inflictions you pierced me with
I carry it in my back, my fragmented heart
the soles of my feet, my trembling knees
the things you said wash over me like rain
some days like a warm cleanse
and other days like a noxious drowning
confused by our redundancy
your ignorance, my pardoning
your acquisitions, my offerings
by the language of my screaming
and the resonance of your departure
dust collected on the prayer mat
as I traveled disparate roads in search of intercessors
to decipher what left me streaked
your grave nuance of apathy
in your safeguarding, you sinned,
oh transgressor
provoking such resentment
crippling my senses
spurring the wrath of God upon me
I hide in bed, dissociating from illuminations
embracing my world protectively
slowing down the unraveling of myself
now it's half past six, past the shock
an inner descent that leads to revelation
I find you in my sighs, my breathlessness
tarrying in the gists and gaps
the quintessence of inamorato
as I stretch and pull myself up
I experience you in lapses and layers
in the fragile love you left behind
that flickers in the blackness
I let the beauty of day engulf my room
and the grievances fall away one by one
as I'm consumed by the gifts you left me with
the awakening of passions, the outflow of emotions
an atmosphere covered by your coloring
bandaging the wounds
I know that healing will come
in quakes and quivers
with patience and penitence
past your remorse and my sorrow
I know this deep down inside
with the wholeness you brought to me
in the prayers we shared
and in the peace you left me with