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i extend my arms, reaching out for a hug
only to realize that i'm embracing shadows
this feeling of near-nostalgia
chains me
pains me
i choke back on the tears that never seem to fall anyway
and i wonder why i feel like i'm swimming
drowning in my own rivers
vicious waves that want to carry me away
but i'm shackled
helpless because i'm injured
worn from picking up all the pieces
the jagged pieces
from a heart that continues crashing to the floor
of distant wounds
of a blurry past
of broken promises
of superfluous lies
of (poisonous) lingering kisses
i close my eyes, dreaming of mercy
of warmth and light
praying
but it's bitter cold
feeling so unsheltered from the storms
left with dull pretense
and my echoes
a voice that goes unheard
and emotions that are suppressed
exhausted of trying
of giving
of loving
of submitting
of losing
myself
inch by inch
of holding my breath
of being devoid
and waiting for healing
exhausted of being
of pretending to be what you all need me to be
of slowly forgetting the real beauty that lies within
i'm composed
gracefully breaking down
vaguely surrendering
of throwing my hands down to my side
of falling to my knees
collapsing